Coping difficulties with teens

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Parenting a teenager is never easy, but when your teen is violent, depressed, abusing alcohol or drugs, or engaging in other reckless behaviors, it can seem overwhelming. You may feel exhausted from lying awake at night worrying about where your child is, who he or she is with, and what they’re doing. You may despair over failed attempts to communicate, the endless fights, and the open defiance. Or you may live in fear of your teen’s violent mood swings and explosive anger. While parenting a troubled teen can often seem like an impossible task, there are steps you can take to ease the chaos at home and help your teen transition into a happy, successful young adult.

As the parent of a troubled teen, you’re faced with even greater challenges. A troubled teen faces behavioral, emotional, or learning problems beyond the normal teenage issues. They may repeatedly practice at-risk behaviors such as violence, skipping school, drinking, drug use, sex, self-harming, shoplifting, or other criminal acts. Or they may exhibit symptoms of mental health problems like depression, anxiety, or eating disorders. While any negative behavior repeated over and over can be a sign of underlying trouble, it’s important for parents to understand which behaviors are normal during adolescent development, and which can point to more serious problems.

As teenagers begin to assert their independence and find their own identity, many experience behavioral changes that can seem bizarre and unpredictable to parents. Your sweet, obedient child who once couldn’t bear to be separated from you now won’t be seen within 20 yards of you, and greets everything you say with a roll of the eyes or the slam of a door. These, unfortunately, are the actions of a normal teenager.

 

Why this happens?

No, your teen is not an alien being from a distant planet, but he or she is wired differently. A teenager’s brain is still actively developing, processing information differently than a mature adult’s brain. The frontal cortex—the part of the brain used to manage emotions, make decisions, reason, and control inhibitions—is restructured during the teenage years, forming new synapses at an incredible rate, while the whole brain does not reach full maturity until about the mid-20’s.

Your teen may be taller than you and seem mature in some respects, but often he or she is simply unable to think things through at an adult level. Hormones produced during the physical changes of adolescence can further complicate things. Now, these biological differences don’t excuse teens’ poor behavior or absolve them from accountability for their actions, but they may help explain why teens behave so impulsively or frustrate parents and teachers with their poor decisions, social anxiety, and rebelliousness. Understanding adolescent development can help you find ways to stay connected to your teen and overcome problems together.

Teenagers are individuals with unique personalities and their own likes and dislikes. Some things about them are universal, though. No matter how much your teen seems to withdraw from you emotionally, no matter how independent your teen appears, or how troubled your teen becomes, he or she still needs your attention and to feel loved by you.

At any point of time if you feel that these behaviors are beyond are beyond your controlling capacity then it’s always better to seek professional help.

Even when you seek professional help for your teen, though, that doesn’t mean that your job is done. There are many things you can do at home to help your teen and improve the relationship between you. And you don’t need to wait for a diagnosis to start putting them into practice.

All parents should note that every teen is going through a difficult phase emotionally as well as physically. They need to be loved. Teens  are unable to understand  the changes they are going through as a result of which they become reactive.  Not only they want to be loved but at the same time  they should be understood as well.

During this phase anger is the usual weapon for every teen. Boys show physical anger and girls tend to show their anger verbally. So it is very important to deal with this.

Parents should follow few strategies to deal with teenage behaviors for constructive results……..

 

  • Establish rules and consequences.At a time when both you and your teen are calm, explain that there’s nothing wrong with feeling anger, but there are unacceptable ways of expressing it. If your teen lashes out, for example, he or she will have to face the consequences—loss of privileges or even police involvement. Teens need rules, now more than ever.
  • Uncover what’s behind the anger.Is your child sad or depressed? For example, does your teen have feelings of inadequacy because his or her peers have things that your child doesn’t? Does your teen just need someone to listen to him or her without judgment?
  • Be aware of anger warning signs and triggers.Does your teen get headaches or start to pace before exploding with rage? Or does a certain class at school always trigger anger? When teens can identify the warning signs that their temper is starting to boil, it allows them to take steps to defuse the anger before it gets out of control.
  • Help your teen find healthy ways to relieve anger.Exercise, team sports, even simply hitting a punch bag or a pillow can help relieve tension and anger. Many teens also use art or writing to creatively express their anger. Dancing or playing along to loud, angry music can also provide relief.
  • Give your teen space to retreat.When your teen is angry, allow him or her to retreat to a place where it’s safe to cool off. Don’t follow your teen and demand apologies or explanations while he or she is still raging; this will only prolong or escalate the  anger, or even provoke a physical response.
  • Manage your own anger.You can’t help your teen if you lose your temper as well. As difficult as it sounds, you have to remain calm and balanced no matter how much your child provokes you. If you or other members of your family scream, hit each other, or throw things, your teen will naturally assume that these are appropriate ways to express his or her anger as well.

 

While teenagers are pushing against the system in their search for independence, parents can feel rejected, criticised and confused. The home may become a battleground with constant power wrangles and high emotion. But this is just a pale reflection of what’s going on inside your teenagers body.

What teens need is only understand them and to make them aware about their hormonal changes which are responsible for their emotional imbalance. Be with them, support them and direct them in a right manner.

Academics and Parental expectations :

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Academics and Parental expectations :

Parental expectations can be contrasted with parental aspirations, which typically refer to desires, wishes or goals that parents have formed regarding their children’s future attainment rather than what they realistically expect their children to achieve. To the extent parental aspirations reflect the value parents place on education, they are based on parents’ personal goals as well as community norms about schooling and its role in promoting professional and personal success.

Many times it is observed that intra-individual and school factors are contributing to the formation of parental expectations. In particular, we can say many times the importance of feedback from the school about previous academic performance is playing an important role in shaping parental expectations about their children’s future, along with parental estimates of students’ intellectual ability and parents’ aspirations for children’s achievement.

 

Setting effective expectations for your child in school can be difficult. It is all about balance and clarity. Here are some key strategies to keep in mind as you implement these goals with your child.

Be clear…

Ensure that your child knows what you expect from him. “I will be disappointed if you earn a C,” or, “I will be proud of you as long as you study each night and do your best,” are strong examples. Do not force your student to guess what she must do to please you.

Be realistic….

There are only few hours in the day to study, and you can only push your child so far. Large improvements do not occur overnight, they are instead a process that requires time and effort. Consider identifying milestone goals (a B on this test and an A on the next) that build toward a final achievement. Be respectful of your student’s limits and mindful of what successes are truly possible.

Adjust to changing circumstances…..

In due course of schooling, expectations you set at the beginning of the school year may occasionally change. Extenuating circumstances arise; perhaps a class turns out to be more challenging than your child was expecting. Be aware of these changes, and adjust your expectations accordingly. Keep your student informed of what you expect from him, and speak with him about any difficulties he is facing.

Focus on effort…..

Sometimes your child cannot control the outcome of his efforts. He can only do so much to ensure he is accepted to a specific college or elected class president. Rather than measuring success in terms of outcome, measure certain successes in terms of effort. Make goals about things your child can control. For example, try, “You need to do all your homework and ask your teacher for help after school.”

Be consistent…..

Expectations are continuous, and they should not suddenly appear or disappear at the end of a grading period. Encourage studying every day, not just right before a test or right after a failing grade. Do not give your child the impression that it is fine to take it easy, only to then get angry when her grades drop.

Acknowledge success…..

When your child achieves a goal you set for him, make it clear that you noticed. Tell him that he did well. Demonstrate that there is reward inherent in her efforts, even if that reward is a sentence like, “I’m proud of you,” or, “You did a fantastic job.”

Remember that finding balance can be like striking a moving target, but with time and practice, it is an achievable goal, just like that “X” in algebra or that improvement in completing book reports on time.

To sum up we can say, a planned study time-table, time to time support, complete knowledge about our child’s intellectual ability, his coping skills at school, your inter-personal relationship with your child, flexible attitude are some of the key factors for your child’s academic performance. Keeping these things in mind you can positively direct your child towards academic goals and achievements.

 

Extra-marital Affairs……..

Extra-marital Affairs……..

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We believe, attention and appreciation are two most important needs of any human being which helps him to survive and sustain into any relationship.

Extramarital affairs are more common than we think as almost more than 40% of all spouses become victims to infidelity. We are less likely to get divorced than to have an affair, says marriage expert and Christian psychologist Willard Harley. Frequently it is the “good girl or guy” who gets caught in a web of deception they vowed would never happen. Attraction most often begins with someone the spouse knows well and spends time with on a regular basis–frequently a friend or co-worker. The reason for this is that the people we are frequently with are in the best position to meet our important emotional needs. Conversation and affection are usually missing in the marital relationship when a spouse has an illicit encounter.

Dr. Glass have stated  few myths about ectra-marital affairs after intrinsic research…

Myth: Affairs happen in unhappy or unloving marriages.

Fact: Affairs can happen in good marriages. Affairs are less about love and more about sliding across boundaries.

Myth: Affairs occur mostly because of sexual attraction.

Fact: The lure of an affair is how the unfaithful partner is mirrored back through the adoring eyes of the new love. Another appeal is that individuals experience new roles and opportunities for growth in new relationships.

Myth: A cheating spouse almost always leaves clues, so a naïve spouse must be burying his or her head in the sand.

Fact: The majority of affairs are never detected. Some individuals can successfully compartmentalize their lives or are such brilliant liars that their partner never finds out.

Myth: A person having an affair shows less interest in sex at home.

Fact: The enticement of an affair can increase passion at home and make sex even more interesting.

Myth: The person having an affair isn’t “getting enough” at home..

Fact: The truth is that the unfaithful partner may not be giving enough. In fact, the spouse who gives too little is at a greater risk than the spouse who gives too much because he or she is less invested.

Myth: A straying partner finds fault with everything you do.

Fact: He or she may in fact become Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful in order to escape detection. Most likely, he or she will be alternately critical and devoted.

 

It is been observed that , Sex is actually not the driving force in most affairs, in fact sex is the secondary thing in most of the it. What they appreciate the most about the relationship is the love and acceptance that is communicated in their conversation.

John Gottman, a premiere researcher in the dynamics of marital relationships, has a different view from conventional wisdom which says that conflicts slowly erode the marital bonds, and that teaching couples communication techniques on how to fight fair will lead to conflict resolution. While this maybe true in a small percentage of situations, but that “69 percent of all marital conflicts never get resolved because they are about personality differences between couples. What’s critical is not whether they resolve conflicts but whether they can cope with them.” It seems that fights and disagreements are intrinsic to all relationships, however it is couples who don’t let the fighting contaminate the other parts of the relationship that have lasting and fulfilling marriages. Focusing on the deeper values like friendship, listening, acceptance and a companioning together to forge life’s ups and downs are potent predictors of a couple’s commitment to the relationship. As long as those factors are intact, conflicts don’t drive people apart.

Now it is been proved  that, basic needs a woman desires from her husband are: affection, conversation, openness and honesty, financial security and family commitment. For the man the needs most valued in a spouse are: sex, recreational companionship, attractive spouse, inviting home life and admiration.

Though these qualities are gender-specific, they can be interchangeable for some spouses.  But  we can say for sure, that every marital relationship has specific fundamental requirements and satisfaction of those definitely helps couples to stay in their marriage positively. Only attention and appreciation are not the only criteria for successful marriage but couples need  to work on their relationship to maintain the charm of it.

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